Something unexpected arrived in my
groceries last week. No, not a slug in my organic lettuce but something almost
as unwelcome: a free magazine. Why are free magazines always so patronising? I
am instructed to "embrace the season!", "celebrate the
sunshine!" and "ditch the cynicism!" As a middle-aged woman
cynicism is my default setting (along with scepticism and many other types of
"ism"). This magazine makes me want to throw things at the wall. To
make matters worse it arrived with a Boden catalogue. I reserve special loathing for
Boden's model Q&As: "What do you keep forgetting to do?" "Go
to the dentist." Hah! That's about as likely as me buying anything from
Boden. And yet… I'm horribly, irresistibly, drawn to them for the pure pleasure
of being provoked into a furious, sweary rant. The country has developed a dual
personality – on the one hand we're all going to hell in a handcart but on the
other… Jubilee! Olympics! Summer! The bunting's out and we're all being told to
jolly well cheer up. Well, excuse me for exercising my Invisible Woman's
prerogative, but bugger off the lot of you.
I'm sure it's a conspiracy with the
powers that be that the fashion
world has come up with a whole load of jokey nonsense also intended to cheer us
up. I can't bring myself to do it, I just can't. Hi-top trainers with the word
"POW" dangling off the front, a banana-motif sweater, raffia bunny
ears, baby pinks and blues, lace-topped socks, stripes, spots, flowers, checks,
sequins, feathers – it's all too much. (Oh all right… I did briefly consider
the bunny ears. Just for fun, you understand.) This fashion trend is, of
course, for the young and the super-young. I see a smiley face on a jumper and
immediately think Tiswas, and when Tiswas was on our screens was
probably the last time I could wear such a thing. No, this look is really not
for anyone over 25 or a size 10. Truthfully, I suppose I'm a bit put out
because I feel a tiny bit excluded but if I can't make a grand entrance perhaps
I can sneak into the party by the side door?
From left: Liberty's Elevenses fabric, Laura Ashley's beach
hut skirt and Hobbs' bold stripe shift.
At the risk of stating the obvious,
the trick is to avoid top-to-toe cartoon colours, motifs and general busy-ness.
Less is definitely more at my time of life. Wear scarlet jeans or a
Mickey Mouse T-shirt, not both, and put down those dangly pineapple earrings
right now. Make witty additions more of a nudge than a punch. I love the
fantastic range of retro prints this summer – Dolce & Gabbana's chilli-strung skirt is
gorgeous (and well beyond most budgets) but a full skirt is such an easy thing
to make: Liberty's Elevenses fabric has a
witty smattering of teapots and cups, or visit Cath
Kidston online for some lovely nostalgic prints. Laura Ashley, so
long in the style doldrums, has a smashing skirt with a
straight-from-the-50s beach-hut pattern, or for prettiness and whimsy go for
the hummingbird print instead. Not a
fan of skirts? Then what about Hobbs' bold red and white striped linen shift?
Or best of all, hit the vintage shops and markets – or trawl eBay but that, of
course, is a whole other column…
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